One of my daughter’s bestest friends just very recently lost her mother to the big C. My daughter came home upset & tearful. It’s obvious that she’d been crying on her way home, her eyes all puffy. I knew she had bad news. The mom has been sick & it was just a matter of days before she had to bid farewell to those she loved. So when my daughter came home in very low spirits, I knew. I knew that the end had come.
In tears, my daughter told me that she can’t imagine anyone living in a world without a mom. I knew in her heart & in her unspoken words, that she meant SHE can’t live in a world without ME, but was too afraid to say it.
Our relationship from the onset has really been unique. Not your usual mother & daughter. Oftentimes, its the mother who has so much love for her children. But with this particular daughter, her love for me is really overwhelming, and overflowing. Which is why I’m afraid. Not for me, but for her. I’m afraid of what will happen to her when God forbids, I should go.
Many instances, I have felt her abounding love. Whenever I’m upset, she gets more upset because I’m upset. So I’ve been learning to control my emotions. She doesn’t like it when I’m put in a bad light, or when I’m taken advantage of. My enemies are her enemies, and she would fight my greatest battles alongside me. She truly loves me more than she loves life itself.
I don’t know what I did to deserve such love & devotion, but I’m so grateful that someone could love me this deep. At the same time, I am so fearful of what will happen when we can no longer be together. That is my worst & greatest fear. That she won’t be able to function without me.
I haven’t asked the permission of my daughter’s friend to post this. I hope she won’t mind me borrowing an excerpt. It’s too beautiful & profound not to share with people who might be on the same road..
People often confuse letting go with forgetting, when in fact, a thin line between the two exists. It is as if buying that red balloon you have wanted for weeks and wanting to hold on to it forever, but knowing that the balloon will eventually pop, but still hoping that it won’t. It is as if hoping that before the balloon flies away, you get to hold the thread for one last time, and secretly hoping that somehow it gets tangled in one of your fingers, secretly hoping that it won’t slip away. People say that part of letting go is forgetting, but I say part of letting go is accepting. Acceptance takes a lot of courage. It takes an adequate amount of bravery and trust to accept that no matter how difficult the coming changes will be, storms do not last forever. It is in accepting the fact that even if the red balloon flies away or pops eventually, it already served its purpose in your life.
I know that her friend is hurting. I know how it’s a struggle to wake up every morning, to act like every day is just the same as the past 20 years even though it’s not. To smile, to talk even though a big chunk of her life is now missing & she just wants to bury herself in misery and sorrow. But I admire her spunk & bravery in standing up courageously & trying to move on in spite of. It’s what you call self-preservation. It’s what you call fighting for your life & struggling to keep alive even though you feel dead inside. Ultimately, things will get better. The pain will always be there, but in time, it will lessen. In time, it will be bearable.
This is what I want for my children. To love me while I am still with them, but to also learn to let go when I can’t be with them anymore. To celebrate my life, but also be able to celebrate their own long after I am gone. I don’t want them to always be living in the past. They have such bright futures ahead of them and I want them to embrace the future head on.
For their sake, I pray to God each night that He would grant me the gift of more years to spend. More memories to build with them that will last them a lifetime. But when the time comes, as I know it must, I pray that they too will be able to let that balloon go, albeit with a heavy heart. Knowing full well that someday, we will be together again. How much I love them, and how much I know that they loved me. <3