O.M.G. I know exactly what you mean! I try my best to be the queen of nice, but there’s just people who rub you the wrong way, intentionally or unintentionally. Take this “friend” of mine. No matter how nice or helpful this person can be, there’s really something about her that I can’t take in big doses. But I have to. I can’t pinpoint exactly what part of her I don’t like. Is it the way she looks? The way she speaks? All I know is I really REALLY can’t stand her even if I give it my best shot. We tend to argue in the middle of a conversation & end up not speaking to each other. And this was just recently too! Your letter is so timely, if not accurate. We stay each away from each other for a while & all is well until the next time we cross paths. Then the cycle begins. It’s so frustrating!
I think we (you my dear reader, and I) should both take deep breaths and consider the following guide & apply in in our lives:
1) Ask ourselves whether or not we may have overlooked some quality or trait in the person that we may admire or be interested in.
In my case, yes, she can be helpful. Just to the point of being TOO helpful, you get my drift? So helpful that sometimes it’s not welcome anymore because she has a tendency to “take over.” I know she means well though. So maybe we can give extra points for that & she the goodness rather than the bad.
2.) Do not feel guilty that you don’t share the same feelings as the other person.
I often feel like this friend likes me more than I like her. Then I feel guilty because she really goes out of her way to be nice. So I end up going out with her & doing things with her which I don’t feel like doing and makes me resent her even more. When she sends me text messages, I roll my eyes & try to get away with not replying at all. Then I kick myself for feeling the way I do & being the queen of mean instead of nice. STOP. We shouldn’t feel guilty. We should confront our feelings & say outright that we can’t do things with her, period. It’s okay not to like everybody on earth. But it doesn’t mean that we should be nasty.
3.) Be very subtle at first; this works more often than not.
Give firm excuses when you know there will be an instance that you have to be in the same activity together. If she wants to get together with you, to spend time with you, or to hang out together, just tell her that you are not available. If this is done every time she asks you, she’ll get the hint and move on. This extends to phone calls as well. If she calls you, be polite, but keep it short. Don’t volunteer information about what you’re up to, or what’s going on, just tell her that you are very busy right now, or in the middle of something. But don’t lie and say you’ll call back later or the next day, if you don’t intend to do so. Because she WILL bug you no end.
Of course this will prove hard when you belong to the same group. You have to decide if your group of friends are worth keeping knowing this particular individual will always be in it. Or move on & find new friends. Maybe you can also have 1-on-1s with people in your group instead if you do decide that they are worth keeping, but you don’t want to be with a certain someone. Just make sure you hang with them individually & not as a group. Don’t deliberately disinclude your particular friend to a group activity. I know, easier said than done, believe me.
4.) If all else fails, it’s time to be Honest.
If you feel that there’s no other way of avoiding this person, set a date at a neutral ground. A coffee shop perhaps? Tell her that although you think she is a nice person, you really don’t feel that you have a lot in common, and you don’t want to waste her time. But before you do this, be absolutely sure that your heart is set on leaving your group & finding a new set of friends. You don’t want to put them in an awkward position of taking sides. That would be unfair to them & to the person you want to get away from. She may be nice after all & you’ve been the antagonist all along. It is possible you know.
Speaking for myself, I don’t do well in groups. I’d rather have a few friends whom I get along with than a big group where everyone is nice to everyone until someone turns her back then shit happens.
5.) Lastly, look in the mirror & ask yourself honestly WHY you don’t like this particular person. Does she out-shadow you? Does she make you feel inferior? Do you envy her?
Sometimes, we want to be the most loved or most favored in a group. I get it. And someone prettier or funnier may come along & suddenly out-shadow you. That’s not a good feeling, is it? But it shouldn’t be the main reason why you can’t stand a particular person. If this is the case, then plain & simple, you are the problem and you need to correct yourself immediately.
Bottomline is, Life is too short to spend it with people you don’t like, or doesn’t bring out the best in you. Surround yourself with people who will be a positive influence & brings you happiness. You know.. One life to live and all! ;)
Dear readers, if there is anything you would like to add, feel free to do so on the comment section below. :)